I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
