While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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