Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
