wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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