YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
