his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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