What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
