So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
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