You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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