i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
