Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Why is there bacon in the couch?
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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