I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
He felt like a one man threesome
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Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
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How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.