she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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