tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
