why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
