I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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