My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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