i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
