So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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