so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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