he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
