My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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