so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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