My liver just broke up with me...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
