Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
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I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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