Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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