I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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