If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
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I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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