Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
