There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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