i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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