I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I wish there were birth control emojis
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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