I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
