My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
