I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
