I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
