In America we eat man semen.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
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