Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he was CRYING into my vagina
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I have already put on my inside pants.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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