State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
