forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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