True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Who died my cat blue again?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
