so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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