Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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