They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
