I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
