...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
