tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
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Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
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apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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