bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
