Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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