R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Randomize
