Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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