I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
