i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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